Some jokes are a punch. These two are a crockpot — you throw everything in, walk away, and trust. In a world of six-second attention spans, sitting still for a long joke is basically an extreme sport. Stretch first. Settle in.
1. Abandon Ship
A woman buys a parrot from a pet store. The tag on the cage says: “Previously owned by a sailor. Extensive vocabulary.” She pays extra for the extensive vocabulary.
She gets it home. The parrot says nothing. Not a word. For a week, it just stares at her like she's the one in the cage.
She calls the pet store. “Oh,” they say, “he only responds to nautical terms. Try greeting him properly.”
So she plays sea shanties. Nothing. She buys the parrot a tiny pirate hat. Nothing — though it does look fantastic. She drives the cage down to the harbor so it can smell the ocean. The parrot watches the boats and says nothing.
Finally, in desperation, she stands in front of the cage, looks the parrot dead in the eye, and says: “Ahoy.”
The parrot leans forward and says, very quietly: “Abandon ship.”
It has not spoken since.
2. The Wrong Number
A man gets a text from an unknown number: “Mom, I got the job!!”
He almost deletes it. Then, on impulse, he types back: “That's wonderful, sweetheart! I'm so proud of you!”
The reply comes fast: “Thanks Mom! Start date is Monday!”
And that's how it starts. For the next year, the updates keep coming. A promotion. (“I knew you could do it.”) A new apartment. (“Send pictures!”) A breakup. (“He didn't deserve you, honey.”) A new boyfriend. (“Bring him to Thanksgiving.”)
He has never corrected the record. Not once.
Then the wedding invitation arrives. It's addressed to “Mom.”
He stares at it for a long time. Then he buys a plane ticket.
At the reception, a young woman spots him across the room, runs over, and hugs him so hard he loses his breath. “You came!” She's hugging a total stranger and she couldn't care less. He dances with her father. He gives a toast: “I may not be her mother. But I got every text, and I answered every one, and I have never been prouder of anyone.”
The whole room is in tears.
As he's leaving, the bride presses a card into his hand. Inside, in careful handwriting: “P.S. — Mom says hi. She got a new number last year and I texted the old one by accident. We both decided to keep you.”
Behind the grin: Both written from scratch for this page. The long joke is a dying art, and like all dying arts, it's mostly practiced by people who refuse to get real jobs. Thanks for sticking around for the payoff — patience is a virtue. So is a good parrot.