My boss said "we're a family here." Great news. Wonderful. I've always wanted a large, dysfunctional family with a strict hierarchy and mandatory fun. So I did what any loving family member would do: I went to HR and asked about my inheritance. If we're family, there should be an estate. I'd like to see the will.
While I was there, I requested a raise on the grounds of being the favorite child — I know the coffee order and I never take the last donut. That's textbook favoritism material. I also asked about the family dental discount, because families share benefits.
We don't talk anymore. HR escorted me back to my desk with the gentle firmness of people who have done this before. It's family when they need you to cover a Saturday, but "just business" when you ask for a raise. Funny how that works. Pick one, Deborah from management.