My Diet Has Started 47 Mondays in a Row

My diet starts Monday. It has now started 47 Mondays in a row — the most consistent commitment of my life. Relationships? Spotty. Gym memberships? Theoretical. But this diet starts every Monday like a phoenix rising from the ashes of Sunday night pizza.

Nobody can say I lack follow-through. I follow through every Monday morning. The oatmeal is purchased. The intentions are pure. For about four hours, I am a person who has their life together. Then comes lunch — where diets go to die, usually around 12:15, near a drive-thru, whispering "I'll start again Monday" with a mouth full of fries.

Monday 8 AM: "New me." Monday 12:15 PM: "Old me, but with extra ranch." By dinner the diet is a distant memory, like a dream you can't quite recall except for the kale.

So is the diet working? Absolutely not. Is the starting working? Flawlessly — I'm the Cal Ripken Jr. of starting diets. The streak is eternal. The fries are also eternal. See you Monday.